Man after all of that I smoked a dang cigarette!! It was disgusting and not worth giving up the the 75 hours of accumulated smoke free time. The thing to do is get right back on the horse and start all over again. The good news is that I'm already 12 hours in. Stopping is easy, staying stopped is a handful. I feel better already though. I am trying not to look at this as a failure. It's more like a minor set back.
I'm sitting here now and a million things are running through my head. I want to go home soon and I think that a couple of dozen crabs will help me feel better. After two massages my shoulder is still killing me so I'm making an appointment for massage number three. I've spent the bulk of the day playing with the new photo editing software that I bought and I'm having a lot of fun with it. Looking at the pictures is really digging at some deeply buried feelings. Especially the picture of my mother. It's true that I have spent more of my life without her. She died when I was just 12 and nearly everyday I think about what life would be like if she were still alive. I miss her tremendously and want to learn all that I can from the example that she set. I think about the mistakes that I watch her make and I wonder how I managed to make so many of the same ones. I know that she would want me to do and be better than her but I just can't help but to be just like her. I don't want my daughter to cry for me the way that I cry for my mother. I want to be available to answer the questions that I never had the chance to ask. I am going to make a more serious effort to quit smoking because I wish that my mother had quit when I asked her to.
Thank you for all of the woes and lessons. I love you mom.
RIP Pauline Koya Teal Alvez-El
(4/2/51 - 1/22/88)
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