They just be caaaalling me!!

So I'm in my bed, asleep. Just minding my own business. When, POOF, out of nowhere I'm dreaming about a dang NEWPORT!! Are you serious? Oh but that's not even the crazy part. Get this. I can't even smoke the stupid thing because the pack was all wet. Now you know that a substance is addictive if you're having (what is known in the substance abuse world as) drug dreams! Yes essentially I had a dang drug dream about a newport. My quitting smoking is not without assistance. I elected to use the patch as a supplement to help me kick the habit. Now mind you I have been anticipating this release from smoking for quite some time so I have a stash of nicotine patches that I basically began hoarding about a year ago. I put on a lower dose at night just to deal with the first thing in the morning craving. Well last night I decide to sleep without the patch. I guess my nicotine level dropped during the night and I began to crave one in my sleep!!

Needless to say I woke up this morning with the desire to smoke but I don't have any cigarettes (Thank God) I could ask my neighbor but that would just be counter productive. In order to be a non-smoker you have to NOT SMOKE! Simple enough. I see this as round 1 of today's challenge and I WON!!! I recognized my craving, decided to deal with it and now I'm going to shower and get ready to face this beautiful day.

So come on newports, let's get this thing understood. I have been a slave to your cunning and addictive nature for far too long. You will not take another day off of my life, and if it is at all possible I plan to take back some of the years that you have already snatched away from me. My lungs get stronger and healthier with every passing day and soon enough I will be NICOTINE FREE!!!!

first attempt FAIL!!

Man after all of that I smoked a dang cigarette!! It was disgusting and not worth giving up the the 75 hours of accumulated smoke free time. The thing to do is get right back on the horse and start all over again. The good news is that I'm already 12 hours in. Stopping is easy, staying stopped is a handful. I feel better already though. I am trying not to look at this as a failure. It's more like a minor set back.

I'm sitting here now and a million things are running through my head. I want to go home soon and I think that a couple of dozen crabs will help me feel better. After two massages my shoulder is still killing me so I'm making an appointment for massage number three. I've spent the bulk of the day playing with the new photo editing software that I bought and I'm having a lot of fun with it. Looking at the pictures is really digging at some deeply buried feelings. Especially the picture of my mother. It's true that I have spent more of my life without her. She died when I was just 12 and nearly everyday I think about what life would be like if she were still alive. I miss her tremendously and want to learn all that I can from the example that she set. I think about the mistakes that I watch her make and I wonder how I managed to make so many of the same ones. I know that she would want me to do and be better than her but I just can't help but to be just like her. I don't want my daughter to cry for me the way that I cry for my mother. I want to be available to answer the questions that I never had the chance to ask. I am going to make a more serious effort to quit smoking because I wish that my mother had quit when I asked her to.

Thank you for all of the woes and lessons. I love you mom.

RIP Pauline Koya Teal Alvez-El

(4/2/51 - 1/22/88)

24 HOURS!!!!!

I told myself that I would not update my blog until I had 24 hours without a cigarette and HERE I AM!!! I'm taking it just an hour at a time now and I have elected to wear the nicotine patch for added support. I have also gotten involved in a fitness activity that involves keeping track of the amount of miles I walk for the next year or so.

I have been in the gym and I have mixed feelings about it. I am afraid of losing weight. Well I should probably say that I am afraid of looking skinny. I like having wide hips and fat booty. I've not top heavy so hips and butt are all I have. I really want to do well with this whole walking thing but I don't wanna look all frail.

I'm at 160 lbs now and really would like to get up to 170-175. I think that if I eat like crazy but stay in the gym it will be a toned and shapely 170 but I don't know if that's even possible. I've always had a very high metabolism so I'm worried that this newly introduced exercise will have me looking like a crack head. I know I know...that's just stupid, but it's the truth.

So that's where we are now. NEWPORT FREE for the last 24 hours and working on putting together an exercise regime. If I lose to much weight. I'm just gonna lay around and eat ding-dongs and ho-hos and that CAN'T  be healthy.

I am hoping that I will update this blog more often as my life is proving to be pretty interesting. Tomorrow I'll tell you guys all about the fat naked Germans in the sauna. Yup I said THE FAT NAKED GERMANS IN THE SAUNA. Until next time keep me in prayer and I will continue to pray for you.