They just be caaaalling me!!

So I'm in my bed, asleep. Just minding my own business. When, POOF, out of nowhere I'm dreaming about a dang NEWPORT!! Are you serious? Oh but that's not even the crazy part. Get this. I can't even smoke the stupid thing because the pack was all wet. Now you know that a substance is addictive if you're having (what is known in the substance abuse world as) drug dreams! Yes essentially I had a dang drug dream about a newport. My quitting smoking is not without assistance. I elected to use the patch as a supplement to help me kick the habit. Now mind you I have been anticipating this release from smoking for quite some time so I have a stash of nicotine patches that I basically began hoarding about a year ago. I put on a lower dose at night just to deal with the first thing in the morning craving. Well last night I decide to sleep without the patch. I guess my nicotine level dropped during the night and I began to crave one in my sleep!!

Needless to say I woke up this morning with the desire to smoke but I don't have any cigarettes (Thank God) I could ask my neighbor but that would just be counter productive. In order to be a non-smoker you have to NOT SMOKE! Simple enough. I see this as round 1 of today's challenge and I WON!!! I recognized my craving, decided to deal with it and now I'm going to shower and get ready to face this beautiful day.

So come on newports, let's get this thing understood. I have been a slave to your cunning and addictive nature for far too long. You will not take another day off of my life, and if it is at all possible I plan to take back some of the years that you have already snatched away from me. My lungs get stronger and healthier with every passing day and soon enough I will be NICOTINE FREE!!!!

first attempt FAIL!!

Man after all of that I smoked a dang cigarette!! It was disgusting and not worth giving up the the 75 hours of accumulated smoke free time. The thing to do is get right back on the horse and start all over again. The good news is that I'm already 12 hours in. Stopping is easy, staying stopped is a handful. I feel better already though. I am trying not to look at this as a failure. It's more like a minor set back.

I'm sitting here now and a million things are running through my head. I want to go home soon and I think that a couple of dozen crabs will help me feel better. After two massages my shoulder is still killing me so I'm making an appointment for massage number three. I've spent the bulk of the day playing with the new photo editing software that I bought and I'm having a lot of fun with it. Looking at the pictures is really digging at some deeply buried feelings. Especially the picture of my mother. It's true that I have spent more of my life without her. She died when I was just 12 and nearly everyday I think about what life would be like if she were still alive. I miss her tremendously and want to learn all that I can from the example that she set. I think about the mistakes that I watch her make and I wonder how I managed to make so many of the same ones. I know that she would want me to do and be better than her but I just can't help but to be just like her. I don't want my daughter to cry for me the way that I cry for my mother. I want to be available to answer the questions that I never had the chance to ask. I am going to make a more serious effort to quit smoking because I wish that my mother had quit when I asked her to.

Thank you for all of the woes and lessons. I love you mom.

RIP Pauline Koya Teal Alvez-El

(4/2/51 - 1/22/88)

24 HOURS!!!!!

I told myself that I would not update my blog until I had 24 hours without a cigarette and HERE I AM!!! I'm taking it just an hour at a time now and I have elected to wear the nicotine patch for added support. I have also gotten involved in a fitness activity that involves keeping track of the amount of miles I walk for the next year or so.

I have been in the gym and I have mixed feelings about it. I am afraid of losing weight. Well I should probably say that I am afraid of looking skinny. I like having wide hips and fat booty. I've not top heavy so hips and butt are all I have. I really want to do well with this whole walking thing but I don't wanna look all frail.

I'm at 160 lbs now and really would like to get up to 170-175. I think that if I eat like crazy but stay in the gym it will be a toned and shapely 170 but I don't know if that's even possible. I've always had a very high metabolism so I'm worried that this newly introduced exercise will have me looking like a crack head. I know I know...that's just stupid, but it's the truth.

So that's where we are now. NEWPORT FREE for the last 24 hours and working on putting together an exercise regime. If I lose to much weight. I'm just gonna lay around and eat ding-dongs and ho-hos and that CAN'T  be healthy.

I am hoping that I will update this blog more often as my life is proving to be pretty interesting. Tomorrow I'll tell you guys all about the fat naked Germans in the sauna. Yup I said THE FAT NAKED GERMANS IN THE SAUNA. Until next time keep me in prayer and I will continue to pray for you.

Calling in the reinforcements!!!!

I'm losing the battles but I claim victory over the war I'm raging against Newports!!! I have realized that I have to go back to the basics. Recognize that there is a problem, be willing to fix the problem, and when necessary, ASK FOR HELP!!

I've signed up for a smoking cessation class that begins tomorrow. The class has a quit date and I'm ready for the help. I'm hoping that having a group of people that are all trying to quit might help. I'm sitting here with, what I've say for the cabillionth time is, my last pack of Newports and chatting with friends. I have a full day planned tomorrow. The first thing on the list is the smoking cessation class. Pray for me

I plan on taking tomorrow as it comes and deal with Newports one craving at a time.

are you serious?!

Okay so I'm getting a few comments that folks are ready to know where I am in my quest to become smoke free. First I must say that this is one of MANY goals that I have set for myself.

ARGGGGHHH!!! I hate Newports!!! I am struggling y'all. I have decided that this thing is bigger than Nino. I have enrolled in a smoking cessation class that has a quit date of Feb 14th. I plan to be a non-smoker by then but the encouragment that I feel knowing that others are after the same goal keeps me hungry.

I went to Jummah today. Yes, I have begun to understand that it may take a divine force to help me with this. Understand this... about 3 years ago I said I don't feel like smoking anymore and I just stopped!! 15 months later I decided that I wanted to smoke again. I just stopped but now I want to QUIT!!! I really appreciate all of the encouragment and the advice. I WILL BEAT THE NEWPORT THING!!! If it's an consolation... I refuse to give up!!! Tabacco companies know how to market and produce a product that will result in a lifetime customer. I am attempting to do what isn't suppose to be done. I am attempting to break the bonds on cigarette smoking. I have cut down significantly but I have yet to make it 24 hours without a cigarette. The power to do anything is already in me. The effort comes in giving in to what I already know and let go of what my body says that it 'wants'. Now remember I said realistically that I was giving myself 60 days. Come on guys!! I could use your prayers!!!! Starting Monday I'm pulling out the patches. Phase two of 'Attack the Pack' is underway!!

love and peace to everyone that is reading this and praying for my victory over newports!! Thank you guys!! honesty 101 in FULL AFFECT!!!

These dang Newports

Of course I'm trying to kick this Newport habit...again. It certainly wasn't a New Year's resolution (I'm done with those) but seeing 2011 come in did give me a renewed passion to stop. I stopped 3 years ago and stayed stopped for about 15 months. Now I am starting to have a constant sore throat and honestly the reality of cancer is beginning to scared me. I Think I'm gonna try the whole 'cold turkey' thing, but I have a stash of nicotine patches that I've been collecting for the pass 6 months. Just in case.

Okay so now that we have a goal, what's the plan? I guess I should probably get rid of the cigarettes that I have and find some sensible substitutes. I was told to invest in some saltine crackers and plenty of water. I like baby carrots so I'll start there. The key to overcoming an addiction (Nicotine IS addictive) is pushing through the cravings and overcoming emotional triggers. Most addictions are fueled by a person's inability to cope with their own feelings. I am going to report my progress, or lack of, as things unfold. What I would love to be able to say at the end of 60 days (trying to be realistic) is that I am a non-smoker.